70+ Funny Things to Write In a Christmas Card

Funny things to write in a Christmas card can turn a simple note into the highlight of someone’s entire holiday. If you’re tired of the same old “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” and want to actually make your friends, family, or coworkers laugh, you’re in exactly the right place.

You don’t need to be a stand-up comic or own a collection of dad jokes to nail it just the right mix of wit, charm, and a little festive chaos. Ready to ditch the boring and write something unforgettable? Let’s make your Christmas cards the ones everyone pins to the fridge.

Table of Contents

For the Family That Drives You Nutcracker-Crackers

Funny things to write in a Christmas card

Some say family is the gift that keeps on giving. Some say return it with no receipt.

“Hope your Christmas traditions don’t involve burnt turkey and passive aggression again.”
“You’re like hot cocoa on a cold day sweet, comforting, and I can only handle so much.”
“Dear parents, thanks for pretending my childhood Santa letters weren’t basically ransom notes for toys.”
“To my siblings: remember, no matter how many presents you get, I’m still mom’s favorite.”
“Merry Christmas, Grandparents! Hope you still have that unicorn-shaped ornament I made in ’97.”
“Y’all are the Grinch before coffee, but I still love ya.”

Friends Who Are Basically Just Sober Enough to Read This

Best friends are like tinsel: a little flashy, sometimes tangled, and totally essential to Christmas cards.

“You light up my life like a Christmas tree on fire. Slightly chaotic but undeniably festive.”
“You’re the Elf (movie) of my life obnoxious, joyful, and somehow I still want to be around you.”
“Let’s skip the Christmas greetings and go straight to the holiday treats. Priorities.”
“Our friendship is like an ugly sweater weird, loud, and absolutely perfect.”
“Wishing you more gifts than regrets this holiday season.”
“If Harry Potter had us as housemates, Hogwarts would’ve banned holiday cheer.”

Coworkers & Office Shenanigans

Because nothing says appropriate humor like passive-aggressively roasting Bob from accounting.

“Merry Christmas! I got you the same thing you got me: absolutely nothing. Office budget, y’know.”
“Here’s to surviving another year of Monday morning meetings. And yes, Karen, that includes you.”
“Hope your holiday cheer at work includes less spreadsheets and more lottery wins.”
“We’ve shared deadlines, tears, and printer jams. Let’s share some light humor too.”
“You’re the only reason I tolerate this workplace. And by tolerate, I mean emotionally endure.”
“Merry Christmas, coworkers. May your inbox be empty and your coffee cup full (of Baileys).”

Romantic-ish (Barely Appropriate for Significant Others)

‘Tis the season for funny gift ideas, bad timing, and totally nailing that “I definitely remembered” energy.

“I love you more than I hate wrapping presents. That’s a lot, FYI.”
“You’re the only one I’d share my holiday treats with. Even the last cookie. Maybe.”
“Our love is like a turkey and stuffing sandwich at midnight questionable but deeply satisfying.”
“You’re the reason I believe in miracles and why I now keep wine in the laundry room.”
“This Christmas, let’s do something romantic, like not fight about the thermostat.”
“Happy New Year! Let’s agree to ignore the funny socks incident from last year, yeah?”

For That One Weird Uncle (We All Have One)

Every family has a Grinch in cargo shorts. This section’s for him.

“Uncle Jeff, may your Christmas be as loud as your conspiracy theories.”
“Remember when you said you didn’t believe in Santa? Neither did your kids. Oops.”
“Hope you get that funny gift idea you wanted probably something illegal and battery-operated.”
“You’re the holiday spirit we didn’t ask for but totally deserve.”
“You’re the human version of leftover fruitcake surprisingly still around.”
“Stay festive, stay weird, and maybe don’t deep fry anything this year.”

Card Messages for People You Barely Know (But Gotta Write Anyway)

Because Christmas card etiquette is a thing and ignoring it gets awkward.

“Wishing you enough Christmas spirit to survive awkward small talk with relatives.”
“Hope your holiday season is filled with cheer, not chest colds.”
“May your presents be unreturnable and your cookies suspiciously soft.”
“Let’s pretend we’re closer than we are for the sake of this card. Merry Christmas!”
“Here’s to a New Year full of fewer forced interactions and more snacks.”
“I’d say something heartfelt but we barely speak. Still, happy Christmas!”

Naughty List Nominees

You’ve earned it. Might as well own it with a wink and a sarcastic tone.

“You’ve been bad this year. Like, Kardashian kind of bad. But with less glitter.”
“If Santa’s little helpers had a gossip channel, you’d be the headline.”
“You deserve presents, but you’re getting socks. Life’s tough.”
“Just remember: coal is carbon and technically a diamond in training.”
“May you have the kind of Christmas that makes the neighbors wonder.”
“Still naughty. Still worth it.”

Hogwarts House-Themed Holiday Snark

10 points to Slytherin for gift manipulation.

“Dear Hufflepuff, your loyalty is appreciated. Please stop baking for everyone.”
“Ravenclaw, your gift is wrapped in a riddle. Good luck.”
“Slytherin, we both know that gift wasn’t entirely legal.”
“Gryffindor, that ugly sweater is brave. And also terrifying.”
“Merry Christmas from the Room of Requirement. Mostly just snacks and regrets.”
“This is your Christmas card not a spellbook. Try not to hex the tree.”

Office Party Fallout Cards

Because saying sorry with holiday card messages is slightly better than HR getting involved.

“Sorry for what I said during the Secret Santa swap. I was under the influence of eggnog and rage.”
“In my defense, karaoke was mandatory. So was the air guitar.”
“Let’s all pretend that office conga line never happened.”
“If Santa had seen that dance move, you’d be on the No-Fly Sleigh List.”
“Here’s a Christmas greeting and a bribe: please delete the photos.”
“Workplace holiday cheer is weird. Let’s do it again next year.”

Passive-Aggressive Seasonal Vibes

Sometimes love sounds like sarcasm in a glittery envelope.

“Hope your decorations are as tasteful as your opinions at dinner.”
“You said ‘no gifts’ but I didn’t trust you. Merry obligation!”
“This card counts as expressing gratitude. You’re welcome.”
“You’re my favorite coworker don’t tell the others, they don’t read.”
“Sending lighthearted Christmas greetings because therapy is expensive.”
“May your holiday season be like your WiFi strong and uninterrupted.”

Kids Who Can’t Read Yet But Still Judge

Kids may not understand sarcasm, but their side-eyes are fluent.

“Hope Santa’s little helpers don’t mix up your wishlist with last year’s tantrum log.”
“You’re getting toys, candy, and an existential understanding of delayed gratification.”
“Eat cookies. Be merry. Don’t lick the cat.”
“If you can read this, your parents owe you extra holiday treats.”
“May your batteries last longer than your attention span.”
“Don’t forget: Santa knows when you’ve updated your location settings.”

Conclusion: Funny things to write in a Christmas card

Alright ya merry misfits, you’ve got over 70 funny things to write in a Christmas card, and not a single one involves a boring, bland “Best wishes”. Be bold. Be ridiculous. Be the reason someone snorts cranberry juice through their nose. Whether you’re roasting your coworkers, winking at your family, or lovingly trolling your friends, your Christmas humor just got an upgrade.

Now, go on and drop your favorite line below, or tag someone who desperately needs funny Christmas card messages that don’t sound like a Monday morning meeting transcript. Because holiday cheer is better when shared… especially when it’s a little bit twisted.